Spring Break for Grown-Ups

I was thinking of spring break alot today. The other 2 interns that I work with (from another school) are on spring break right now, so it's been busy for me - which is a good thing. LSUHSC (my school) doesn't give a spring break, which kind of sucks. So today got me thinking what I would do if I did indeed have a spring break, and I realized how much life has changed.

The last time I actually went on vacation for Spring Break was probably about 3 or 4 years ago. Of course, we went to the beach, got trashed 5 days straight, slept very little, and well....things that go on at spring break. If I were to actually have a spring break today, I would do nothing of the sort. Spring break for me now would include relaxing in bed catching old movies and tv shows, reading shitloads of books, hanging out at the coffee shop, maybe going to some cool shops around town, and taking walks. All of that sounds wonderful. Funny how the idea of fun changes as we grow older.

I'm still very much looking forward to Mexico in May. I'm still all about getting trashed on the beach, but it's not so much getting trashed just to get trashed. Now it's more about relaxation and taking time to myself, something I've learned that I don't do very much.

Rationalization for Settling

Still haven't heard back from the high school I applied to for the guidance counselor position, but I honestly don't really care. I was having thoughts about whether or not I wanted to work there, and my gut feeling told me that I wouldn't like it. It involves way too much "school stuff" such as scheduling classes, and I personally feel like I didn't get this degree to schedule classes for people. I want to be a counselor. My would be supervisor told me that I would do very little actual counseling if I got the job, and I just don't think I'm OK with that. So if they don't call, I won't be upset, in fact, I'll be relieved in a way.

Here's the rationalization part. I love the hospital that I work at, and I really want nothing other than to work there. My problem is the pay. It's horrible, and it's a hospital that's known for paying very little. I'm trying to find ways to come to terms with the low pay, but it's just not happening. I get along really well with everybody and it's the best psyc hospital I've seen in Louisiana. I feel like I'm becoming part of the team, they're giving me more responsibility, and I just feel like I'm in a very comfortable fit at this place. I've been putting the word out more and more to people there that I would like to work there when I graduate but that the pay would need to be a little higher. Maybe someone will hear that and suggest something. I've been told by my supervisor and one of the other social workers that they would like to have me and they can't wait until I graduate. That's very flattering.

Here's my rationalization: My ultimate goal is to go into private practice, which is hugely in demand right now in New Orleans. In order to do this I need my LPC. We have LPC supervisors at the hospital. If I can work my supervision being payed for into my contract, that would figuratively add $5000 to my salary ($100/week for 50 weeks). Once I have my LPC, I can start a private practice and supplement my income at the hospital with that. Or if all works well, do only private practice. I'd also have my foot in the door for private practice because we're always looking for outside therapists for our clients for after they're discharged. I honestly just want to stay where I am when I graduate, because I know I'd be happy, and to an extent, that matters more than money. At the same time, I need to make enough money to at least pay my bills. So what do I do?

I got the best complement today. One of my patients asked me if I do private practice, and I told her that no, that's why I'm in school right now so that I can get to that point. She then told me that she wishes I did, because I'm the first therapist that she's ever felt comfortable with and been able to open up to, and she feels like I've really helped her. That made me smile, and at the same time made me upset that she's never had a therapist that she could be comfortable with.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I know I would be happy at the hospital and I can do the type of work that I really want to do. I want to deal with clinical cases. And maybe I can find a way to adjust my life to be able to live with the salary. Eventually, the salary will be where I want it to be, I may just have to accept that I'm going to start off on the low end.

Do you ever really know what you want to do in life?

I guess today is a day of titling blogs with questions.

This question was brought on to me by A&E's Intervention, which is a wonderful and highly recommended show. So here's the deal, I know I want to be a counselor. That is set in stone for me. I just don't know about which population I want to work with. I guess that's the beauty of counseling is that I can work with any population. But I'd like to have a specialty, or better yet a specialty licensure. Right now I want to work with adolescents and children. But I've also recently discovered that I'm very interested in working with people with substance abuse issues. I read an excellent book awhile ago called Hooked, written by Lonny Shavelson. It's the story of 5 addicts and their journey towards sobriety. Excellent book.

I always find myself to have a huge amount of empathy for people with substance abuse issues. The problem is, it's a very frustrating job. As a substance abuse counselor, you see the same clients coming back again and again. Drugs are a really hard habit to kick. And it's not just the chemical addiction, it's also a lifestyle change. Most people with serious addictions have something underneath it all that keeps them going back to the drugs. And if that one thing triggers, it doesn't matter how much therapy and detox they've been through- 99 out of 100 times, when the trauma kicks in, they go back to the drugs. I would love to be that really great therapist that helps a person learn to deal with the issues that keep them going back. That's the problem with alot of institutions...they treat the chemical addiction, but they don't offer any individual counseling to talk about underlying causes of addiction. It's only group counseling, which has it's benefits, but I think there needs to be individual work done too.

This was also brought on at the hospital the other day. I was on the dual diagnosis (substance abuse and a mental illness) unit and I just thought it was such a great atmosphere. It was very laid back. There were lots of smiles on the patients faces, and people were talking to one another. On the adolescent unit, so many of these kids are just angry. Most of those kids aren't there by choice, whereas the adult units are almost all by choice since it's a private hospital that's very costly. I do love working with the kids though. Like I said in a previous blog, I feel like I have alot to offer children and adolescents, and I just hope to God that I can be a good counselor for them. Even if I can make a difference for 1 child out of 30, that's reward enough for me.

Oh well, I'm sure that all of this will resolve itself as I progress in my career. Who knows, I may not even be in this state anymore when I graduate. Thanks for listening ;)

the sacredness of life

I just got home from the movies. I went with my sister to see Children of Men tonight. It was an amazing film. I don't quite know how to describe it. I want to call it beautiful, but it was so disturbing at the same time. So we'll call it a beautifully disturbing film. There's plenty of social commentary to be had about this movie, but I'm not going to go to far into that. I'll suffice to say, it reiterates how beautiful life is, and how much of a treasure, a gift life is.

I think that in today's world we take life for granted. We forget about the complexity of a heart that beats, lungs that breathe, a voice to cry with, muscles to laugh with. Life becomes about material possessions, who has more of a right to live and where that right to live is, who's tougher, who's accomplished more, who has earned the right to live more. But when it comes down to that, none of it matters in the end. What matters is that we are given the gift of life and that we have the chance to experience what that means. Children of Men did an amazing job of showing what can happen when the gift of life is taken away and when we forget about what life has to offer. The sounds that life has to offer. The sound of children.

As good as this movie was, I think it will be the last time I watch it. It is highly disturbing, but well worth seeing. It was filmed beautifully. To me it seemed the perfect cross of 28 Days Later (sans the zombies) and The Pianist....set 20 years in the future. And I had the unexpected but pleasant surprise of seeing Michael Caine in this movie who does an amazing job as usual. All of the acting was great.

But for now, I will put my temporarily philosophical head to rest and await another day. Mindless ranting to resume tomorrow I'm sure :)