Friday, May 11, 2012

Ringing In 31

I went to bed last night dreading waking up 31 years old today. Not because I think I'm old. I know I'm not. I know I'm still young and I feel young. But the realization hit me that I'm no longer 30...that I'm IN my thirties now. And with that realization came the realization of how quickly life goes by and how precious life is. How sometimes you can feel like life is like a car speeding along and the brakes have gone out and you're just screaming "slow the fuck down!" but nothing you do can slow it down. But as the day went on, 31 became a much better number than what I thought I'd wake up to.

This year has been lousy so far. There's no other way to put it. I went into 2012 saying "This will be the year!!! Everything will be good!! Everything will change and things will be excellent!!!" And yes, there have been changes and things have been excellent, but a lot has been really lousy too. My dad's basically been in the hospital since the beginning of the year and is just now starting to get better, I haven't finished a book since March, I haven't seen Matt in I don't even know how long, work has been so awful, a lot of my friends are going through really rough times, I've been the worst friend in the world to those friends because of being so caught up in my own problems...it just hasn't been the best of years.

But today, I realized that there are so many good things about to happen. There are so many things in my life that I am so lucky to have. So many people surrounding me that make me feel like a damn lucky person. And turning 31 can be my new year...or better yet, a new start. Next weekend I'm moving into my very first apartment...and a couple of weeks later Matt is moving down with me. For good. No more long gaps of time between visits, only a couple of hours when we have to work separate schedules. I'm going to be in an area of town that I love. I get to start the next chapter of my life.

Talking to my mom about who I am has been so much easier. Coming out to her was a lot easier than I thought it would be, but there is still a bit of awkwardness there. And that's understandable. But I noticed today that a lot of that has already gotten easier. I can talk about Matt with her now without a second thought..I don't have to worry that I might make her feel uncomfortable. She's been so supportive and I'm just so lucky to have her.

Things are changing. Not just for me, but there's an air of change...that things are going to start getting better. I don't often talk politics on this blog. I don't think it's hard to guess my views, but I tend to keep them to myself. But I can't help but proclaim how proud I am of our president. I don't think he's been the most effective president in this first term of his, but he brought tears to my eyes by being the first president to stand for the right of everyone to marry who they want. I do believe that he is a good man with a good heart and sincerely wants this country and it's people to live in better circumstances. He gave me a lift that was greatly needed...it was a nice turn around for this year.

I guess I've just been reminded in these last few days of the good stuff surrounding me. It's easy to get bogged down in how awful everything is. I'm the king of it at times. But these last days have showed me the good in my life too. Me and my grandma share our birthday every year. Her birthday is May 10th, mine May 11th. I took this picture of her yesterday while we sang happy birthday to her for her 89th birthday and it has made my heart smile so much. It captures her spirit so well and I just can't stop staring at it. I think it's my favorite picture I have of my Grandma. Yet another reminder that things will get better. Here's to a new start!



10 comments:

DesLily said...

each day is a new start baby boy... and I always hope each day is a good one for you. everyone deserves good days, health and happiness.. and to take a moment each day to "smell the roses".. life goes by faster than you can imagine and no matter how many times you hear that it doesn't sink in until life is nearly over.
so make it as good a life as you can! I can hardly wait until you and Matt are together at last!

Amanda said...

I'm a day late - and I *still* haven't gotten your package off, sigh - but I'm glad to hear things are looking up. That's a lovely photograph, and I love that you share your birthday with your grandma! Laurence shares a birthday (same day even) with Jason's mom, so we know just how special that is. :) I am so glad that Matt is coming down. Just so damn happy for you Chris! And it means that whenever we next get to NOLA we'll get to visit the both of you together!! :) Not sure when that'll be, haha, but maybe one day. :)

Kailana said...

I am glad things are starting to turn around for you, Chris. I am very excited for this new chapter!

Debi said...

Awww...thanks for the happy tears this post brought me. I know this year has been sooooo hard on you, and I've hated so much that I couldn't make it all better. :( Frankly, this year has dealt a lot of suck my way, too, though in different ways...and I know *exactly* what you mean about that feeling that you're letting people you love so very much down because you're just so busy trying to keep your head above water.
Anyway, I'm so happy, hell so unbelievably ecstatic, that things are looking up for you is so many ways. Big changes ahead for you, dear friend!!! And I hope these changes bring you peace and growth and so much freakin' joy that you feel you're going to explode!!!!

Bookfool said...

You're back!!!! Happy 31st, Chris!! So excited about your move and I'm sorry this has been such a hard year but you definitely have a lot to look forward to. Also, what Debi said, particularly that last sentence. Hugs!!!

christina said...

Chris, chris, chris....I thought you DISAPPEARED. And then I realized that you only disappeared in my GReader... *facepalm*

This year has been pretty horrific further south as well. I'm wondering if there's just a shift in the universe that is unleashing all of this negative energy. *le sigh*

Happy to hear that the coming out thing went well. Ha! I still remembered how awkward it was telling MY mom. She works in the same school system as Di and I do and you know, gossip gossip. I wanted her to hear it from me rather than from the proverbial water cooler. So's I go to the house and say: yeah, I'm seeing someone important...and it's not like this experimental thing...I totally dig her. And she goes: but you just had a boyfriend last year. And I said: love has no gender. And she goes: (to the dogs, who she believes are my brothers...another tale entirely) sissy's gay boys. And that was the finale. I let the gay thing slide because I have a very abstract view of my own sexuality...but I kinda feel like THAT convo wouldn't really register with her. The fact that she gets it's the person not the gender is incredible enough.

Cheers Chris. Miss you around the netosphere!

Andi said...

A happy belated birthday to you, Chris. I admire you for looking at the positive through all the challenges, and I sincerely hope the rest of your year is on the upswing.

Carl V. said...

Happy slightly belated birthday Chris. It is great to see that despite the rough year so far that you are still optimistic and looking for things to get better. The fact that they do can sometimes be small comfort in the middle of crises, though. I certainly understand your feelings about life passing by too quickly, and those sappy sentiments about making the most of every day really become less sappy and more true the older you get. The realization of how precious each day is doesn't dawn with each morning, but it is a more frequent thought the older you get and I think that is a good thing as we do need to revel in the days we are given. Happy Birthday!!!

Amanda said...

I've gone through the same "everything slow the fuck down" type funk (still kinda in it actually). You have so many good things in store for you. You are a kick-ass person and hope this 31st year will be a year of perpetual awesomeness.

Marg said...

Belated birthday wishes to you and your grandma Chris!

And, yes, here's to a new start for 2012 for you!