I went to bed last night dreading waking up 31 years old today. Not because I think I'm old. I know I'm not. I know I'm still young and I feel young. But the realization hit me that I'm no longer 30...that I'm IN my thirties now. And with that realization came the realization of how quickly life goes by and how precious life is. How sometimes you can feel like life is like a car speeding along and the brakes have gone out and you're just screaming "slow the fuck down!" but nothing you do can slow it down. But as the day went on, 31 became a much better number than what I thought I'd wake up to.
This year has been lousy so far. There's no other way to put it. I went into 2012 saying "This will be the year!!! Everything will be good!! Everything will change and things will be excellent!!!" And yes, there have been changes and things have been excellent, but a lot has been really lousy too. My dad's basically been in the hospital since the beginning of the year and is just now starting to get better, I haven't finished a book since March, I haven't seen Matt in I don't even know how long, work has been so awful, a lot of my friends are going through really rough times, I've been the worst friend in the world to those friends because of being so caught up in my own problems...it just hasn't been the best of years.
But today, I realized that there are so many good things about to happen. There are so many things in my life that I am so lucky to have. So many people surrounding me that make me feel like a damn lucky person. And turning 31 can be my new year...or better yet, a new start. Next weekend I'm moving into my very first apartment...and a couple of weeks later Matt is moving down with me. For good. No more long gaps of time between visits, only a couple of hours when we have to work separate schedules. I'm going to be in an area of town that I love. I get to start the next chapter of my life.
Talking to my mom about who I am has been so much easier. Coming out to her was a lot easier than I thought it would be, but there is still a bit of awkwardness there. And that's understandable. But I noticed today that a lot of that has already gotten easier. I can talk about Matt with her now without a second thought..I don't have to worry that I might make her feel uncomfortable. She's been so supportive and I'm just so lucky to have her.
Things are changing. Not just for me, but there's an air of change...that things are going to start getting better. I don't often talk politics on this blog. I don't think it's hard to guess my views, but I tend to keep them to myself. But I can't help but proclaim how proud I am of our president. I don't think he's been the most effective president in this first term of his, but he brought tears to my eyes by being the first president to stand for the right of everyone to marry who they want. I do believe that he is a good man with a good heart and sincerely wants this country and it's people to live in better circumstances. He gave me a lift that was greatly needed...it was a nice turn around for this year.
I guess I've just been reminded in these last few days of the good stuff surrounding me. It's easy to get bogged down in how awful everything is. I'm the king of it at times. But these last days have showed me the good in my life too. Me and my grandma share our birthday every year. Her birthday is May 10th, mine May 11th. I took this picture of her yesterday while we sang happy birthday to her for her 89th birthday and it has made my heart smile so much. It captures her spirit so well and I just can't stop staring at it. I think it's my favorite picture I have of my Grandma. Yet another reminder that things will get better. Here's to a new start!