Friday, April 27, 2012

This is how life has been....

Surprisingly not as bad as what I thought I'd be in for. I don't think I'm back for good yet, but I think the worst is behind me. Let's start with this week's Friday Fill In's, shall we?

 1. Ah, me...what a freaking week and a however many days it has been. I think I've had more life changes in the last two weeks than I have in all of my 30 years of life prior to that. Those are mostly good life changes though!
2. Change is what's on my mind most lately.
3. When I talk to my best friend, I truly feel a deep sense of relief and I don't know what I would do without her.
4. Peace, calm, quiet and time to myself is what's working for me lately when I can get it.
5. I recently saw the apartment of my dreams. And I put a deposit down on it!
6. Knowing that Matt will be here in just barely over a month fills me with joy!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to reconnecting a little bit with my blogging friends and just relaxing, tomorrow my plans include going to see dad at the hospital real quick before working from 3-11 at night and Sunday, I want to spend the day at the hospital with dad, maybe fit in some gardening, some shopping for the new place and definitely some reading time!

Change is certainly the theme of my break from blogging! Like I said in my last post prior to my "taking a break" post, I came out to my mom finally. And it really has been so freeing and stress reducing. I can't imagine what all this would be like right now with that still behind closed doors! And there have been plenty of steps forward taken. This is going in a good direction :) Today I went and saw the apartments that Matt and I will be living in and they are gorgeous! I'm so excited!! I put the deposit down too! Move in day will May 19th for me and fear not blogging friends (and Renay especially ;)), I got all the info I needed to get wireless set up the day of the move!!

The biggest thing in the last week has been dad's surgery. He had to undergo yet another major surgery, this making three in the last month, and he made it out once again like a champ. But not without scaring the living crap out of me first. He had a hard time getting off the ventilator this time and the first time I saw him he still had the breathing tube in and he was awake and it was just such a horrible sight :( Really freaked me out. He looked awful and it was so hard to see him like that. But today he is looking so much better and hopefully this is the end of the countless surgeries he's had and it's a new lease on life for him. I'm ready for it and I KNOW he has to be.

In the midst of everything I've read next to nothing. The one book I did finish though is a new favorite. It was very appropriate for this month, a beautiful book of poetry called What the Living Do by Marie Howe. I really can't put into words how much this book touched me. It chronicles her relationship with her brother...growing up with him, her life as an adolescent, her journey with him as he struggled to fight a battle against AIDS, and her grieving and finding her way after his ultimate death. This book is right up there with Katrina Vandenberg's Atlas, which is easily not only one of my favorite poetry books, but just one of my favorite books ever. I'll leave you with a poem from What the Living Do and I hope to be back with everyone here again soon!


He rose on the surface of it like the layers of water on top of a wave
that won't break - you've seen those swells -

cold and moving like something breathing you can't see, collecting and 
collecting until it seems uncontainable, heaving on and on, rising and

rising and growing bigger.
When it got very bad, he'd say, Tell me a story,

and after an hour or so, he'd say, We got through that one, didn't we?

Until a day came when he said, Marie,
you know how we've been waiting for the big pain to come?

I think it's here. I think this is it.
I think it's been here all along.

And he did take the morphine, and he died the next week.

Crap....cried again just typing that up....I love this book. The whole book isn't bleak. But it's true to his and her existence and experience. And it's just one of the most powerful books of poetry I've ever read. 


Carl V. said...

Exciting news about the apartment, I do hope when you have it all the way you want that you'll share pix with us!

I'm sorry your father is still having a rough time, I've prayed for him and am proud of you for being there with him and for him.

DesLily said...

I'll admit th at I was worried about what this post would say.. I am much relieved. I am so sorry your dad had to have yet another surgery but certainly glad he pulled through and is on the mend.

I am glad you found an apartment for you and Matt. I will continue to hope that you find that perfect home so you and matt can settle down knowing you won't have to move again! :o) besides, there is the baby goat to think about too! *snort*

Kailana said...

What Carl says, I want to see pictures! I am kind of jealous of Debi and you. I really want to move, too, but it just isn't in the cards right now... So, I will live vicariously through you two. :)

I am glad that your father's surgery went well and I hope he is on the path to recovery!

Hopefully talk to you soon!

Darren @ Bart's Bookshelf said...

Good to see things are a little bit better for you at the moment Chris. Congratulations on the apartment, I hope you realise we're all dropping round for a 'virtual' housewarming! ;-)

Amanda said...

I hope things continue on an upward swing for you Chris! And make sure to take some pics of the apartment. :D

Lu @ Regular Rumination said...

I'm glad there's been so much positive change in your life, Chris, but I also know how that kind of thing can be totally overwhelming. Especially with your dad's surgery on top of it all. <3 Thank you for sharing that poem, too.

Andi said...

I'm so glad things are coming along for you, Chris!!! Big big big hugs your way.

Susan said...

I am so glad things are going better for you. How lovely that you have found a new home finally for you and Matt! Even better, is that your dad pulled through his surgery. That is the best, isn't it? And how freeing you feel now, not having to hide who you are.

I love the poem you posted, and I've been looking for Atlas ever since you posted about it a few years ago here. Poetry isn't just about beauty, it's about life, isn't it, and the things that move and change us.

Happy moving time coming up for you, and really, so very happy and relieved your dad made it through these surgeries.

Trish said...

I'm so excited for you and Matt and I KNOW it will be a good day as May 19th is my wedding anniversary. ;) A day full of love.

Hugs Chris. Been thinking about you a lot lately.

Bookfool said...

Oh, excellent. I'm glad things are going well. I think of you a lot. I'm glad your father's improving. When my mother was on oxygen (not even with a tube down her throat), she had panic attacks but because her heart wasn't functioning well, she couldn't have any medication to calm her. It was horrible. I'm sure that was a really unsettling sight for you. Wish I could give you some in-person hugs. Maybe when you and Matt get settled we can find a way to get together? Possibly a meet-up some place like . . . oh, I don't know . . . Pascagoula? LOL

Anyway, love you bunches. Will keep sending prayers. Have fun with that move! So excited for you!!!! XXOO

Darla D said...

I've been SO behind on my blog reading these days - but of all the ones I'm catching up on, I see I've missed the most at your blog! Lots of cool changes, glad your dad is okay, and congratulations on the move!